I wish I could answer

On the last day of my college i was having a little discussion over "my sexuality" with my friends (my two best buddies) , it was more like a question answer round though. One of my friends is finally accepting the fact that i am "different" till now she chose to deny it, so she was asking me all sorts of questions out of curiosity and to understand the whole thing clearly, i answered all of her questions patiently (i hate being interrogated!) except one...she asked me "they say love is with the heart, emotions, union of two souls, when we find that connection with someone special we don't really care much about their looks or any other trait rather than their heart and character. so why can't you be in love with a man...whats gender got to do with love??"..and i couldn't answer her.

I myself am looking for the answer. I know i am gay but i don't understand it. I don't understand why i can't be in love with a man. I know i was born this way, nothing external has made me the way i am. when someone displays homophobia towards me i always defend myself saying that love knows no gender!...but if u ask me that why can't you like guys just like other girls do?... i am clueless.

I am not turning straight or anything but this question i guess will always bother me. I wish i could answer my friend, i wish i could answer myself!

Where am i going...

2011 hasn't been very good so far, as in..okay simply i'm bored. Nothing really happens around here and also as i keep moving and never stayed at one place for more than 2 years i'm starting to freak out and want to move out of here ASAP!

I suppose its this phase, i feel lost and wonder what exactly is going on, where am i going from here, whats my direction and if its right or not, i am confused and frustrated for many reasons and sometimes for no reason!...i don't know if its just me or others face it too and the worst part is i don't want to talk about this to anyone i feel they won't understand and then explaining my point over and over again, is going to irritate me further.

All my friends, cousins, neighbors even strangers seem to be moving on and i feel stuck! They have finished their studies and are now independent, well technically i am younger to all of them so obviously it will take time for  me to be there, so then maybe i am just restless, but then why am i restless if i now all of this already!

One of my best friends has moved to another city, we are not in touch for a month now. Its killing me inside because first i am hurt, second we have little bit of history, so considering that i am trying to figure out why exactly shes doing this.

She seems to be confused, as in i think shes gay, no actually i am pretty sure she is. But she wouldn't accept it neither am i going to tell her "sweetie there's nothing wrong you are just gay, you like girls"!. We started off as friends and during that time i was in the process of figuring out that i am different and she helped a lot because i had a major crush on her(shes also the first person i came out to in person), i also realized that our friendship was different, i mean this crush thing was mutual to some extent, but was more clear to me because i knew i like girls.

Now, she started giving me all those signals even though she knows i have a girlfriend , it always made me wonder if shes trying to tell me indirectly or i have simply lost my mind. When she was about to leave, she stopped talking and seeing me, i asked her what is it, she just said its going to be really hard for her to leave me and she wants to get used to of this distance (it definitely didn't sound like some straight-girl-saying-goodbye-to-her-best-friend-whose-not-crushing-over-her)..i didn't know how to respond to that and i kept on pestering her to meet me and not leave without meeting but she did, she left without a word!

I see her updates on facebook and she sees mine but we don't communicate. Its awkward, but i sure don't want it to go this way. Sometimes i think if i were her maybe i would have done the same thing, but then its not right, at least talk we are friends after all! 

I miss her.

I have got few friends, shes the awesomest, weirdest, geekiest, stupidest, funniest and craziest of them all, i love being with her, she has great taste in music and books. I just want everything out in the open, whatever it is.

well i'll always wish for her to be happy, healthy and safe.

SO ITS DECEMBER...AGAIN!!

Writing after a long time I have been busy...

--My lady paid me a visit after 6 damn months!!...those were the best 3 days :D.
--Working on my final year project.
--Exams.

--I got a labrador female puppy, shes the cutest in the world and I named her zoe, just love having her around. But she bites a lot...shes busy chewing my mouse as I write this...

--Preparing for plenty of entrance exams...

Anyway I love being busy, sitting idle is not my thing I hate it when I go total jobless. There is something about December especially this December, though its been the best month of 2010, it was the most adventurous month of the year with my lady, got a dog ( just LOVE dogs, my lady is not a dog person unfortunately :[ ) I have always wanted one and  my girl just made it the best...she makes everything perfect, simply perfect.(oops I have already mentioned all of this :P).

Its been a great year, excluding few ups and downs. In January my father was diagnosed with chronic renal failure and now hes doing much better, except that part everything has been just right. Somehow I don't want this year to end, I have been through plenty of major changes of my life during 2010, so its special to me in many ways, I came out to my friends, I am a total different person after all that has happened. And also its my last year at this place. I'm Small town girl (for now that is!)..hope to move out from here pretty soon.

I'm gonna skip new year celebrations this year (exams and projects keeping me really really busy!!). And as always I don't have a new year resolution because first I'm not good at keeping them and second I set a resolution for each day, they are much easier to work on. Also I see 1st Jan just like any other day nothing special and so the night of 31st December, besides I'm not very excited about this new year...

Christmas is here happy atmosphere, festivities...I like the positivity in the air at this time of the year.
I wish merry Christmas and a very happy new year to everyone have a great time spread love, hug more...oooh I need a hug...

 

* i do not own any of the images *

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Going by the comment of one and only follower of my blog :) i think i should finally post about those two lessnons  i was going to mention here from my experience of that day.
So here it goes...
It was a friends' birthday.
i have a little group of 6 here in my neighborhood and we are in different colleges at different levels, it was P's b'day shes the senior of us all.
As its our last year together (we'll move to different cities next year for further studies) i wanted to give her a surprise b'day party and also wanted it to be special for all of us.everything was planned. But one of our friend A, refused to come, her cell was also switched off i don't know why and never even asked her after that. And somehow (we are stupid enough!!) we got late with arrangements, then i couldn't reach A she wasn't back from college yet and hell her cell!!
Well anyway P was really happy when we showed up at her door and surprised. But we were missing A and the whole evening she din turn on her cell. P was upset about that part only everything else went great, because no matter what, you always end up having a good time with your friends and thats all i wanted..yyiippeeee :).
Though i already knew A wasn't interested, she has issues and i wasn't surprised by waht she did. She had told me a day earlier and i tried to convince her but to no avail!!

So first is THE SHOW MUST GO ON...
yes thats what i totally believe in now. That day the whole thing was so close to going haywire but somehow we worked it out because we know how much it means to P, how could we ever let her down, we don't even know where, when and how we'll be able to see each other after this year.

Second is, sometimes we have to forget ourselves when it comes to our loved ones and that stop fretting about the things going wrong or the things not going our way and just think about the smile that you can give someone if only you stop being selfish!! we got to do things for that person even if we don't like it or want it, at least we know it means a lot to them so i don't think there is anything wrong putting aside your ego and just be nice..
P was so happy but the fact that A didn't come and didn't even talk to any of us was bugging her the whole time...

VENUS IS WHERE I BELONG...TOTALLY!!

That day when i came out to R she was quite shocked  because we have been together  for 3 years and she never suspected anything and not only i told her i am gay but also that i am in a relationship!!.. So i can imagine how she must have been feeling but was quiet all the time to not let "all that freaking out episode" happen. She wasn't being judgemental which is her usual self and i knew "the case" ain't close yet.. Today she called up, wanted to see me and "talk" i got the hint though, i was calm and let her start. She asked me all sorts of questions(all over again) maybe its just a phase? how do you know? why didn't you ever tell me? and you don't look like a lesbian at all? don't you ever feel anything for guys?? what about all those crushes you had? and  i answered them one by one patiently. Here is what i have to say which is not only my story, almost everybody out there agrees more or less..

1.ITS JUST A PHASE!
--all i can say to that is NO its not a phase cos i have always known, was just trying to convince my senses that i am not. But I am born that way.

2. HOW DO YOU KNOW?
--well i always knew..its simple as that. Since the day i knew there are girls and boys out there, i knew i had a thing for girls. I knew nothing of sex, attraction and friendship or anything of that sort back then but still it was like boys don't exist!!..I grew up, got to know a little, like girls and boys date and are called girlfriend and boyfriend and all that stuff i was supposed to know. But i could never imagine a boy by my side, I continued admiring girls and i convinced myself that i envy these beautiful girls, that i want to be like them later i realized i "wanted them" not wanted to be like them :P ;). But it was wrong because that's not right according to "normal" people around me. And i kept telling myself that i have totally lost my mind and i should think like other girls do, that is like guys!! till last year when i finally came out to myself.

3.WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME?
--How could i tell you when i was lying to myself all this time.I took a lot of time to be comfortable with who i am and i wasn't ready...now that i am fine and not just fine i am proud of being who i am and also because i have the courage to be myself, so i told you. :)

4.YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN AT ALL!
--Two questions among confused and rather lost minds are-what are the symptoms, how will you know if a girl is gay and about her looks..both are related to some extent. Being gay is not a disease so there is nothing like symptoms. Now about the looks well, there are people of all sizes and shapes be it gay or straight, they have different style statement, they go with what they feel comfortable in, something that defines their individuality. So there are some lesbians who find themselves more comfortable in say, dressing up as a guy(which is always related to her being gay) but thats not the fact. A girl can be a tomboy and not  be gay, on the other hand a girl can be very girlish and gay! So you can never tell if a girl is gay or not just by looking at her.
As far as i am concerned i used to carry boyish looks till i was 13. Then i grew my hair longer, went for a more girlish look cos i am more comfortable with that. Now my look is sort of neutral neither boyish nor very girlish.My look has nothing to do with my orientation.

5.DON'T YOU EVER FEEL ANYTHING FOR GUYS?
--NO never. I find them good friends. I get along with guys pretty nicely. But nothing more than that. They exist but i am not concerned about there existence at all.

6.WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE CRUSHES YOU HAD?
--I lied. As i said before i was trying hard to fit in and convince myself that i am normal , i too like guys. So if i ever met or saw a guy, who seemed "eligible" enough to have a crush on, i'd just declare to my friends that i like him!

And now closet is becoming highly irritating, its not comfortable anymore, its never been actually.
Embers whisper but now they wanna shout it out loud!!
i want to walk hand in hand with My Lady, I want to tell my friends i was not really missing i was on a date with her, i don't want to hide it when her name flashes on my cell's screen and i have a 1000 watts ear o ear smile.

So thats pretty much it.
Venus is where i belong..and i love it :)

CAME OUT TO MY BEST FRIEND!!!!

My exams are finally over
It was the day before our last exam she(my best friend R) called me up and asked me to come online, she had to talk about something important..yeah we don't really talk on phone sometimes!!! we chat...
I logged in she told me what it was, she was in a bit of a trouble and well I couldn't really help but then sometimes all you need is a listener and I am always there whenever she needs me...after it was all over, I finally decided to let her know what I have been trying to tell her for quite some time now. I am very closeted but out to my best friends, who matter to me the most and they have been very supportive, they love me for everything I am for all I have, they love me for who I am. But its different with her, as in we don't really talk about love and stuff, our conversations are mostly on studies, career and social issues but never about the matters of heart and very personal things like this!! So I find it difficult to tell her, we have been together now for three years though...
I started
told her I have been trying 'hard' to tell her something which I consider important...
she said "just say it!!!"
so I said it
I'M GAY
I have a girlfriend
and she was like...
"are you kidding me"
I said no
then she asked me if I am sure and all those "questions"
she was totally cool with it, asked about my girl, if I am serious about her..
told her all about my lovely girl(L), I love her and yes I am serious.
shes happy for me...
it was liberating
it sucks big time to pretend to be someone else when you really don't have to!!!
and also I don't have any gay friends here so now finally I have someone to talk to about this part of my life... including R now I am out to 3!!
I am missing L...its aching :( shes 1800 miles away!!

CRUSH DISCUSSION!

So my exams are on(still blogging!!! :P)..
On my last exam(waiting for question paper to reach our respective desks!!) we were discussing my best friends' crush..she has got like million crushes but the latest one, she calls him "tall dark and handsome guy", hes a young officer. She tells me how she keeps noticing silly little things about him apart from the usual big things to notice..hehehe. He has this BEAUTIFUL bike, awesome wrist watch he wears, hes like really tall and shes just..well shorty!! She says she notices his socks..!!! I mean c'mon now!!! That day when she was staring at his bike like anything, he came over, turned on the key and...hhmm gone...oops!!


Today we were discussing another officer and his bike. This one, I saw few days back and couldn't notice anything more than the bike(cruiser bike...they are my fav!!WOW) and that according to the bike hes really short so the bike doesn't suit him. Today in the morning when I was just about to leave my place for college I saw that officer again and THE BIKE!! WOW!! THE WAY IT SHINES IN THE MORNING SUN...PURE BEAUTY :D I was right beside him, had a pretty good angle to notice almost everything so I got to know that it wasn't actually a guy its a LADY OFFICER!!!
I'm not crushing over her(though I like soldier girls!! :P but she ain't that appealing and I'm in a committed relationship I love my girl :) ) but her bike is way awesome..

BUT how come I didn't notice a girl!!!! :P
oh well she always wears this huge helmet and I was way too busy  with my eyes all over the bike :D